Kids Need Doses of Fear & Control
by Lisa Mitzel In my work, I talk a lot about helping kids to embrace emotions, especially feeling nervous or afraid. I’ve taught coaches and kids how to notice and reduce fear and that kids need challenges to overcome. But I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in terms of kids needing to feel afraid. This concept relates to healthy brain- and social development where social psychologist, Jonathan Haidt, writes and talks about free play, rough play, and how kids getting hurt allows them to experience fear in a healthy way, then navigate their emotions, choices and difficulties. In structured child activities, such as gymnastics, swimming, and other youth sports, coaches usually stay on task, teach skills, seek improvement. When a child faces a challenge and feels afraid, what next? In sports, typically fear is held inside or it can be a point of embarrassment. The coach ‘doesn’t have time to deal with it’ and everyone can feel the tension growing. A misperception is: The child is fragile. I’ve never promoted coddling children, but rather kids need a “safe place” with coaches and parents to cry, feel safe, and release fear. Jonathan talks about studies on “anti-fragility” – not being overprotective of kids, and this resonates with me. I say talk about risk-taking as an adventure! Kids can giggle and take small risks, while a coach teaches technique and how to manage feelings. Do this: At the beginning of a practice where you plan to do “risky” skills, sit with the kids for 2-3 minutes. Review the drill or skill that is likely scary, show them pictures or videos of the steps, take some breaths together, and say, “This will be fun, there’s no rush, and you are in control. I am here for you.” I have 3 kids of my own. They are grown now, and it was a joy for me to watch them play, fall down, and get back up. I love independent kids! The practice of resilience is both a natural and teachable process – feeling scared, taking a risk, getting hurt, then pausing to breathe, shaking it off (self-regulating), choosing to re-engage, and getting back in action. This process is mental health in action as long as kids feel it’s their choice, they feel supported and cared for. The missing part adults need to nurture: TRUTH: Kids don’t have to be tough every day, nor should they back away from scary things. Fear is part of growth. Those emotions are part of us. So embrace fear, teach ‘fear is good’ – in small doses. Adults, make it fun, normalize it, and then co-regulate with kids when they feel scared. Down deep, I think the kids are actually teaching us something. Sometimes we need to slow down, other times, take risks. But kids decide. And Resilience is not automatic, we need to teach them how. Zen Tiger Mind just launched Resilience, a new e-curriculum with 44 exercises for coaches and kids to do together. When you make Resilience Essential exercises part of your program – 5 minutes exercises – it boosts coaching skills, and it enhances kids’ brain development, emotional wellness, and performance. Visit the store! Limited time: $80 off with code Vanessa80.
Where is Resilience when You’re Empty?
Where is Resilience when You’re Empty? by Lisa Mitzel Do you realize when you feel lost or empty, like pressure is everywhere, or something’s lacking in your life? Or do you simply push through, unaware? Task-oriented people have things to achieve, trying to please others, and we often forget about our deeper self. Days can seem taxing & vacant. When I find a moment to slow down, I recognize…oh, I’m in survival mode. I’m drained — especially my spirit. I focus on my to-do list, I keep moving on the illusive treadmill, yes, I put pressure on myself, and…I feel like a robot…or an empty shell. How do I fill myself up again? If I feel alone and empty, what will help, what do I do? Connected. If you didn’t know it, loneliness is a current epidemic. Even when a person is surrounded by other people, they can feel very alone. What is that empty feeling? I went through this a few months ago. What am I searching for? I wondered. I love my work, but as I coached and created a curriculum and lived each day, it felt monotonous. A hollowness echoed inside my mind and body. I was flat. Something was missing. So I returned to myself. I took time to reflect, I moved slower, I walked in nature and touched trees. I stared at the sky. I cried for no reason and I thought, What do I want? What do I need? Consider New Energy. As humans, we go through times of distracting our minds, disconnecting from our own heart and spirit. I’ve done it. But that’s not me, there have been many times of joy. I recall being a young person in my family. The comfort of holding my baby brother in my arms, or roller-skating with my older sister. All nine of us praying, talking and eating together at the big dinner table, or going to church as a family and holding hands. This is togetherness. This is love. Comfort and love give you resilience. I needed meaningful human connection and something that felt deeper than the everyday. For you, it may be skydiving, getting a pet, or writing a memoir. I realized I wanted “spiritual energy” in my life. The voices, people, and energies that provide beauty in togetherness, richness in a sense of peace. Ritual. Whatever it is, create a ritual. I met someone who reminded me of the ritual of kindness and human connection. Weekly. It became clear I needed to move outside of myself to meet with others, be in a room curious and open to new people. Forget the self. Really, let go. Forget the mental task list and go into your heart. I was reminded that once a week, I need to nurture my spirit. So I started attending a weekly gathering. I met new people, we listened to music, sang, and prayed together, and afterwards they said, “Hi, I haven’t met you yet” and we talked. I’ll be honest…I wept. I felt an amazing presence of love, which to me is God. But the feeling is unconditional love. I listened to their stories and I felt their kind loving energy. This gave me deep joy and connection. It was meaningful. They looked in my eyes, smiled at me and asked me questions. My heart connected to these new people in my life. I’ve been experiencing more peace. They embrace me. What will You Do? It was the reflection that led me there. I was aware of the emptiness. The tears told me I needed something different. When you live with the intention to be resilient, imagine the quiet inner work as self-love. It’s hard and sad at times, but the process leads you to something new! As I reconnect to people in my community and commit to a weekly gathering, I feel resilient! I AM RESILIENT! My spirit is elevated. I am filled with loving energy! So what will you do? What do you want? Consider putting your thoughts in action – check out our new Resilience e-curriculum and let your mind dance in the healing powerful words. Take a leap! All you need is right here!