Kids Need Doses of Fear & Control
by Lisa Mitzel In my work, I talk a lot about helping kids to embrace emotions, especially feeling nervous or afraid. I’ve taught coaches and kids how to notice and reduce fear and that kids need challenges to overcome. But I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in terms of kids needing to feel afraid. This concept relates to healthy brain- and social development where social psychologist, Jonathan Haidt, writes and talks about free play, rough play, and how kids getting hurt allows them to experience fear in a healthy way, then navigate their emotions, choices and difficulties. In structured child activities, such as gymnastics, swimming, and other youth sports, coaches usually stay on task, teach skills, seek improvement. When a child faces a challenge and feels afraid, what next? In sports, typically fear is held inside or it can be a point of embarrassment. The coach ‘doesn’t have time to deal with it’ and everyone can feel the tension growing. A misperception is: The child is fragile. I’ve never promoted coddling children, but rather kids need a “safe place” with coaches and parents to cry, feel safe, and release fear. Jonathan talks about studies on “anti-fragility” – not being overprotective of kids, and this resonates with me. I say talk about risk-taking as an adventure! Kids can giggle and take small risks, while a coach teaches technique and how to manage feelings. Do this: At the beginning of a practice where you plan to do “risky” skills, sit with the kids for 2-3 minutes. Review the drill or skill that is likely scary, show them pictures or videos of the steps, take some breaths together, and say, “This will be fun, there’s no rush, and you are in control. I am here for you.” I have 3 kids of my own. They are grown now, and it was a joy for me to watch them play, fall down, and get back up. I love independent kids! The practice of resilience is both a natural and teachable process – feeling scared, taking a risk, getting hurt, then pausing to breathe, shaking it off (self-regulating), choosing to re-engage, and getting back in action. This process is mental health in action as long as kids feel it’s their choice, they feel supported and cared for. The missing part adults need to nurture: TRUTH: Kids don’t have to be tough every day, nor should they back away from scary things. Fear is part of growth. Those emotions are part of us. So embrace fear, teach ‘fear is good’ – in small doses. Adults, make it fun, normalize it, and then co-regulate with kids when they feel scared. Down deep, I think the kids are actually teaching us something. Sometimes we need to slow down, other times, take risks. But kids decide. And Resilience is not automatic, we need to teach them how. Zen Tiger Mind just launched Resilience, a new e-curriculum with 44 exercises for coaches and kids to do together. When you make Resilience Essential exercises part of your program – 5 minutes exercises – it boosts coaching skills, and it enhances kids’ brain development, emotional wellness, and performance. Visit the store! Limited time: $80 off with code Vanessa80.
Where is Resilience when You’re Empty?
Where is Resilience when You’re Empty? by Lisa Mitzel Do you realize when you feel lost or empty, like pressure is everywhere, or something’s lacking in your life? Or do you simply push through, unaware? Task-oriented people have things to achieve, trying to please others, and we often forget about our deeper self. Days can seem taxing & vacant. When I find a moment to slow down, I recognize…oh, I’m in survival mode. I’m drained — especially my spirit. I focus on my to-do list, I keep moving on the illusive treadmill, yes, I put pressure on myself, and…I feel like a robot…or an empty shell. How do I fill myself up again? If I feel alone and empty, what will help, what do I do? Connected. If you didn’t know it, loneliness is a current epidemic. Even when a person is surrounded by other people, they can feel very alone. What is that empty feeling? I went through this a few months ago. What am I searching for? I wondered. I love my work, but as I coached and created a curriculum and lived each day, it felt monotonous. A hollowness echoed inside my mind and body. I was flat. Something was missing. So I returned to myself. I took time to reflect, I moved slower, I walked in nature and touched trees. I stared at the sky. I cried for no reason and I thought, What do I want? What do I need? Consider New Energy. As humans, we go through times of distracting our minds, disconnecting from our own heart and spirit. I’ve done it. But that’s not me, there have been many times of joy. I recall being a young person in my family. The comfort of holding my baby brother in my arms, or roller-skating with my older sister. All nine of us praying, talking and eating together at the big dinner table, or going to church as a family and holding hands. This is togetherness. This is love. Comfort and love give you resilience. I needed meaningful human connection and something that felt deeper than the everyday. For you, it may be skydiving, getting a pet, or writing a memoir. I realized I wanted “spiritual energy” in my life. The voices, people, and energies that provide beauty in togetherness, richness in a sense of peace. Ritual. Whatever it is, create a ritual. I met someone who reminded me of the ritual of kindness and human connection. Weekly. It became clear I needed to move outside of myself to meet with others, be in a room curious and open to new people. Forget the self. Really, let go. Forget the mental task list and go into your heart. I was reminded that once a week, I need to nurture my spirit. So I started attending a weekly gathering. I met new people, we listened to music, sang, and prayed together, and afterwards they said, “Hi, I haven’t met you yet” and we talked. I’ll be honest…I wept. I felt an amazing presence of love, which to me is God. But the feeling is unconditional love. I listened to their stories and I felt their kind loving energy. This gave me deep joy and connection. It was meaningful. They looked in my eyes, smiled at me and asked me questions. My heart connected to these new people in my life. I’ve been experiencing more peace. They embrace me. What will You Do? It was the reflection that led me there. I was aware of the emptiness. The tears told me I needed something different. When you live with the intention to be resilient, imagine the quiet inner work as self-love. It’s hard and sad at times, but the process leads you to something new! As I reconnect to people in my community and commit to a weekly gathering, I feel resilient! I AM RESILIENT! My spirit is elevated. I am filled with loving energy! So what will you do? What do you want? Consider putting your thoughts in action – check out our new Resilience e-curriculum and let your mind dance in the healing powerful words. Take a leap! All you need is right here!
Not Confident? Gain it by being Competent
Not Confident? Get it by being Competent Competence is different than confidence. Being competent is defined as having “sufficient skill, knowledge, experience” or “the ability to do something successfully.” Confidence is a strong belief, being sure of oneself. Becoming competent, like Taylor Swift putting together her greatest songs and a show, is doing a task or skill over and over, refining it and polishing it, and with that, one develops knowledge and experience. One becomes aware of the intricacies, details, and patterns of how to conduct themself…and a sense of confidence grows. I can do this well. Now, when it comes to a young athlete performing in front of an audience, under pressure, that’s a different scenario. Let’s say it’s the day of competition with competitors, officials, and an audience. Your athlete gets a stomach ache, she doesn’t want to fail or let anyone down, she suddenly feels unsure. She feels nervous, and she lacks confidence. Nervousness is natural for competition, but the question is whether they can manage it and still perform well. Competence in doing a skill or routine does not equal competence in performing under pressure. To compete well, there must be a practice of entering competition with a clear mindset: I am ready and I’m going to do well. If they don’t feel ready, then they are not prepared. Your athlete must have competence in managing her thoughts and emotions. Question: Do your athletes practice managing their thoughts and feelings? Do they practice changing “I’m nervous” to “It’s okay, everything will be okay. I’m ready and I can do this” and do they believe it? When an athlete spends all of their time training the physical aptitudes, they will not have competence in mental skills and managing nervousness. When your athlete is nervous, has doubts, fights to have courage but she’s afraid of making mistakes, this is a clear sign – she not only lacks confidence, but she lacks competence in her abilities; her ability to stay in the present moment; her ability to focus on one skill at a time; her ability to breathe in and out slowly and feel calm; her ability to trust that her body knows what to do; and her ability to focus on her own performance instead of the judges or audience. If you wonder, “How can I help my child build confidence?” expose them to mental training. Do it with them, practice breathing in and out slowly with them. Practice positive self-talk each day, “I am calm, I am smart, I am strong.” Practice visualizing in slow motion easy skills that they know they can do. Confidence grows as kids feel competent, when they feel smart and in control of themselves. I can calm my nervous system by breathing slowly, in and out, and imagining I’m at the ocean. I feel safe, and I feel in control of my thoughts, my breath, and my body. Becoming competent in managing personal thoughts, and feeling in control, is not only for sports, but it’s for child development. It’s a life-long journey. Teach kids how to look at a challenge and think of options. Teach them that challenges are great! They are an opportunity to think and make decisions and feel good. Hurray! This helps them build competence in problem solving. Figuring out a problem is not something for the adults only, this is something to discuss and share with kids. In relation to their age, allow them to make choices – what food to put in their lunch, how to organize their backpack, closet, or their schedule, and praise them for their effort! Not the result. If a young athlete thinks and says, “I know how to look at options, I know how to manage a struggle, I can get through it, and I am resilient,” that tells me they can manage making a mistake. Have them repeat those words three times. Really. Because it also transfers to sports. As they learn how to manage their thoughts and emotions, I see a young person who is using their mind and their voice. And in that moment, I see their confidence growing, because they are learning to become more competent. Lisa Mitzel is an author, mental training- and mental health coach. Consider buying her Focused books for you and your kids to learn mental skills and increase self-awareness, self-confidence and mental health.
Trinity Thomas, Beam, and Present-Moment Awareness
Trinity Thomas, Beam, and Present-Moment Awareness by Lisa Mitzel, President, Zen Tiger Mind In stunning NCAA gymnastics, Trinity Thomas has been one, so exquisite, we can’t keep our eyes off her. Trinity has been perfect on every event, earning a “gym-slam,” and capturing 28 perfect 10s in her career, the highest in NCAA history. Balance beam has been one of her steadiest with 6 perfect 10.0s. Whaaat? How does she do it? Well, her success is deeply rooted in mental training called present-moment awareness. A calm, methodical focus that comes from years of practice and desire. When Trinity performs, there is no effort, only flow. She is nothing short of a master. Each kick, jump, and point have an exact spot in the air. Every leg is locked. Her style is slick, smooth and playful. Her flawless series, a one-arm back-handspring-layout on beam, will blow you away. After thousands of hours of physical training, what it comes down to is one thing: her mind. She desires concentration, fully absorbed in present-moment awareness. In other words, she is in a state of mental immersion in every move. Can you teach this to kids? Yes. It’s not just for the elite gymnasts. It’s a mental checklist or a clock ticking that feels rhythmic and familiar. You can teach kids that it starts with a choice. Say “Shhhh” to distractions, “I’m going to concentrate for one minute.” Focusing is a cool thing. Make it fun and intriguing for kids to hold their attention on one thing at a time. Let’s look at Trinity’s layout series as a checklist she memorized in her mind and body, and imagine. Imagine an inner feeling of exactness that also feels like home. (Read 3x at a slow pace.) Breathe out, sit, brush arms down, swing arms up – push through legs, jump up and back, split legs, see beam – place right hand on beam, step down right, left, sit – jump up and back, stretch in layout, split legs, spot beam – rotate to feet, land right, left, stick. It’s breathing one breath at a time. There is no thought of a past or future breath. Only what’s happening now. It’s a rhythm, and it feels good! Being in the present-moment is a skill Trinity has trained. It’s also a life skill, a mental health practice, to be clear and calm in your mind, not rushing, not trying hard or tensing up. Being in the present moment is cozy, soothing, and it shapes our ability to focus. In my book, Focused and On Fire, I describe this… “…in any situation, it is you and only you who decides what you think about. …you can notice air filling up your lungs, and the air going out of your body… Notice how your chest and abdomen rise on the inhale…then sink and fall slowly on the exhale. Become aware of your body calm in the present moment. This awareness will increase a peaceful, confident feeling inside…and your ability to perform.” #