by Lisa Mitzel
In my work, I talk a lot about helping kids to embrace emotions, especially feeling nervous or afraid. I’ve taught coaches and kids how to notice and reduce fear and that kids need challenges to overcome. But I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in terms of kids needing to feel afraid.
This concept relates to healthy brain- and social development where social psychologist, Jonathan Haidt, writes and talks about free play, rough play, and how kids getting hurt allows them to experience fear in a healthy way, then navigate their emotions, choices and difficulties. In structured child activities, such as gymnastics, swimming, and other youth sports, coaches usually stay on task, teach skills, seek improvement. When a child faces a challenge and feels afraid, what next? In sports, typically fear is held inside or it can be a point of embarrassment. The coach ‘doesn’t have time to deal with it’ and everyone can feel the tension growing. A misperception is: The child is fragile.
I’ve never promoted coddling children, but rather kids need a “safe place” with coaches and parents to cry, feel safe, and release fear. Jonathan talks about studies on “anti-fragility” – not being overprotective of kids, and this resonates with me. I say talk about risk-taking as an adventure! Kids can giggle and take small risks, while a coach teaches technique and how to manage feelings. Do this: At the beginning of a practice where you plan to do “risky” skills, sit with the kids for 2-3 minutes. Review the drill or skill that is likely scary, show them pictures or videos of the steps, take some breaths together, and say, “This will be fun, there’s no rush, and you are in control. I am here for you.”
I have 3 kids of my own. They are grown now, and it was a joy for me to watch them play, fall down, and get back up. I love independent kids!
The practice of resilience is both a natural and teachable process – feeling scared, taking a risk, getting hurt, then pausing to breathe, shaking it off (self-regulating), choosing to re-engage, and getting back in action. This process is mental health in action as long as kids feel it’s their choice, they feel supported and cared for. The missing part adults need to nurture:
- Talk about it in advance – healthy risks (small hurts) vs dangerous risks (serious hurts)
- Normalize feeling afraid, it’s okay, it’s temporary
- Model risk-taking, try something new. Say: “I’ve never done this before, and I’m kind of nervous—but I’m going to try it anyway.”
- Laughing and feeling afraid sometimes go together and that’s being human
- Practice self-compassion – use self-kindness as an essential part of becoming resilient
- Co-regulate with children; teach them how to breathe, get calm, and recover (regulate the nervous system)
TRUTH: Kids don’t have to be tough every day, nor should they back away from scary things. Fear is part of growth. Those emotions are part of us. So embrace fear, teach ‘fear is good’ – in small doses. Adults, make it fun, normalize it, and then co-regulate with kids when they feel scared. Down deep, I think the kids are actually teaching us something. Sometimes we need to slow down, other times, take risks. But kids decide. And Resilience is not automatic, we need to teach them how.
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