by Lisa Mitzel
One of the teenagers I’m coaching is talkative, fun, and talented. Sal, we’ll call her, is a high-level gymnast who identifies as a perfectionist. Recently, she was describing her difficulties, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I’m a perfectionist.” She labeled herself: This is me, Perfectionist – as if she likes the struggle and muscling through it. But she’s in turmoil! She’s trying harder, she’s at the gym on her off-days, but progress is elusive and her coach is out of ideas. She’s drowning in stress and beating herself up.
Q: How can athletes reclaim themselves from the crux of perfectionism and feeling stuck?
1. First, find out what her thought patterns are like. Sal poured out, “I’m second guessing everything, I’m scared of timers, I’m scared I’m going to twist on a free-hip, I doubt if I can do a round-off back handspring” (all basic moves for her level). “I’m reduced to nothing,” her eyes gaped open and she frowned. I’ve worked with Sal before and this is a pattern. She creates a self-sabotaging storm.
2. Inquire: “Are those thoughts helpful?” A perfectionist mindset is destructive. All the research shows that it’s a cycle of self-criticism, excessively high standards, disappointment and frustration. Ask your athlete, does this feel good? Do you like this tension and frustration? Inevitably, they say, No. And that begins the process of detaching from a ruinous, perfectionist mindset to turning it around.
3. Talk about healthy striving. Perfectionist tendencies can be found in DNA, but it’s nurtured in high-achieving environments, by adults, and by society. So we must adjust our language and intention. Talk about healthy striving vs perfectionism. Practice gratitude for opportunities, enjoying challenges and the growth process. Each day, release tension, and practice self-compassion when things are hard. Research shows compassion builds more resilience (see #5 for action steps).
4. Help teens get out of this self-destructive cycle. Adults need to collaborate with kids and invest energy toward change. Note that a parent’s mental qualities, a parent-perfectionist, can also impact a child. So call it out and promote healthy boundaries. Tell kids: “We’re going to create healthy boundaries by noticing high expectations and negative talk. We’re going to notice when it feels like too much. We can talk about how to change it to positive thoughts. We’ll feel more powerful than before!”
5. Do This. When a teen is stuck or says anything like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “I can’t do it” or “I’ll never be good enough,” do this:
- Stop, clap your hands twice and switch your mind to focus on your body.
- Think: “How do I feel in my body? What do I need?”
- Slow down, put your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and take two big breaths.
- Focus on the air going in…and going out…the body filling up…then sinking down.
- If you need water, get it. A hug? Get one. Change to something easier? Do it. Do what you need in the moment.
- Say, “It’s okay, I work hard, and everyone makes mistakes. I will be patient and come back to this – tomorrow.” (Or return in 5 minutes, your choice)
- Insert positive thoughts: “I can do this. I’ve got the power!”
The point is to check-in and self-regulate before getting back to the task. Or leave it till tomorrow. It’s all good!
6. Damaging beliefs. Teens build stress and are unaware of the cycle. Do these ideas seem familiar?
- Perfectionism is good, the stress validates that “I face challenges and I am tough.”
- The cycle of criticizing myself helps to avoid the shame in getting criticized by my coach.
- Attaching myself to excessively high goals and standards means I’m an achiever and a person of worth
- Feeling not good enough works because it motivates me to try harder. The struggle also confirms my thoughts, “I’m not good enough” – so my behavior is cyclical and addictive and somehow I think it’s okay.
- My parents like a hard-working kid, so I self-criticize to prove I’m working hard.
7. Finally, boundaries for negative talk regarding other people. Setting boundaries is vital, it’s called ‘fierce self-compassion,’ a term by Kristin Neff, PhD. When someone says something like, “I don’t think you can do that,” put up a hand immediately and say, “That’s not helpful” and move away. Or say, “I’m focusing on being positive. Thanks.” Absorbing other people’s negativity is depleting. You become a sponge for their inner junk, so you need to create a clear boundary.
Teenagers do have control over how they think and act. Despite the onslaught of negativity, you can set new mental goals and create positive change. You can replace perfectionism with healthy striving. Make an imprint on the brain, make a poster with these tools! Talk about it daily for a month to create change. No doubt, the power is in you.