Not Confident? Get it by being Competent
Competence is different than confidence. Being competent is defined as having “sufficient skill, knowledge, experience” or “the ability to do something successfully.” Confidence is a strong belief, being sure of oneself. Becoming competent, like Taylor Swift putting together her greatest songs and a show, is doing a task or skill over and over, refining it and polishing it, and with that, one develops knowledge and experience. One becomes aware of the intricacies, details, and patterns of how to conduct themself…and a sense of confidence grows.
I can do this well.
Now, when it comes to a young athlete performing in front of an audience, under pressure, that’s a different scenario. Let’s say it’s the day of competition with competitors, officials, and an audience. Your athlete gets a stomach ache, she doesn’t want to fail or let anyone down, she suddenly feels unsure. She feels nervous, and she lacks confidence. Nervousness is natural for competition, but the question is whether they can manage it and still perform well.
Competence in doing a skill or routine does not equal competence in performing under pressure.
To compete well, there must be a practice of entering competition with a clear mindset: I am ready and I’m going to do well. If they don’t feel ready, then they are not prepared. Your athlete must have competence in managing her thoughts and emotions. Question: Do your athletes practice managing their thoughts and feelings? Do they practice changing “I’m nervous” to “It’s okay, everything will be okay. I’m ready and I can do this” and do they believe it?
When an athlete spends all of their time training the physical aptitudes, they will not have competence in mental skills and managing nervousness.
When your athlete is nervous, has doubts, fights to have courage but she’s afraid of making mistakes, this is a clear sign – she not only lacks confidence, but she lacks competence in her abilities; her ability to stay in the present moment; her ability to focus on one skill at a time; her ability to breathe in and out slowly and feel calm; her ability to trust that her body knows what to do; and her ability to focus on her own performance instead of the judges or audience.
If you wonder, “How can I help my child build confidence?” expose them to mental training.
Do it with them, practice breathing in and out slowly with them. Practice positive self-talk each day, “I am calm, I am smart, I am strong.” Practice visualizing in slow motion easy skills that they know they can do. Confidence grows as kids feel competent, when they feel smart and in control of themselves.
I can calm my nervous system by breathing slowly, in and out, and imagining I’m at the ocean. I feel safe, and I feel in control of my thoughts, my breath, and my body.
Becoming competent in managing personal thoughts, and feeling in control, is not only for sports, but it’s for child development. It’s a life-long journey.
Teach kids how to look at a challenge and think of options. Teach them that challenges are great! They are an opportunity to think and make decisions and feel good. Hurray! This helps them build competence in problem solving. Figuring out a problem is not something for the adults only, this is something to discuss and share with kids. In relation to their age, allow them to make choices – what food to put in their lunch, how to organize their backpack, closet, or their schedule, and praise them for their effort! Not the result. If a young athlete thinks and says, “I know how to look at options, I know how to manage a struggle, I can get through it, and I am resilient,” that tells me they can manage making a mistake. Have them repeat those words three times. Really. Because it also transfers to sports.
As they learn how to manage their thoughts and emotions, I see a young person who is using their mind and their voice. And in that moment, I see their confidence growing, because they are learning to become more competent.
Lisa Mitzel is an author, mental training- and mental health coach. Consider buying her Focused books for you and your kids to learn mental skills and increase self-awareness, self-confidence and mental health.